The day of impact was life-changing. About a year after my motor vehicle collision someone asked me “why don’t you blog about your crash?” I thought this was such an odd thing to say to me. I was recovering trying to put my life back together so why on earth would I share this awful journey that I was left to face? It didn’t make sense to me at the time as I could barely get out of bed to face the day let alone sit down and blog about it. It was a daily struggle.
My Blogging Days Began
Fast forward five years, and I was approached once again by another individual with the same suggestion and this time, I really considered it. When I thought about it, these individuals may have sensed that I desperately needed to vent my daily struggles but blogging took energy and a lot of it. I continue to face numerous challenges on a daily basis with fatigue, chronic pain and sleepless nights just to name a few. It was my understanding that if you wanted to blog, you would have to keep on top of it but I am not your average blogger. I am not full of energy, I am not pain free and I am not having restful sleeps. As I continue to recover, I am faced with daily struggles and writing a blog could take me days to complete. The day of impact has changed my life forever.
As a survivor of a horrific crash, I vaguely recall a doctor wishing me “good luck” when I was discharged from the trauma hospital. Once I left the hospital, I was faced with so many struggles as I settled into my “new way of life”. Through my own personal experience there is no denying that once you are placed into an ambulance after surviving a collision, your life is indeed changed forever. People need to be aware of the struggles that we face after surviving a crash. Survivors need to be supported, inspired and understood. Survivors also need to know that they are not alone and so my blogging days began. I have decided to share my own personal journey including the day of impact as I remember it while I continue to navigate my road to recovery to help others feel less alone.
Feelings of Vulnerability
I don’t remember much of that morning other than driving to work and that it was going to be a lovely fall day. I vaguely recall the day of impact but I do have a memory of being tossed around my vehicle like a rag doll. I felt stuck and I was cold. I am being told that I have been in a terrible accident and that an ambulance is on the way. I hear a lot of voices but I cannot make out what they are saying. Nothing is making sense to me at all. I hear mens’ voices and one of them is asking me question after question. I am so tired why is this man asking me so many questions? I am irritated and I am in excruciating pain. Did I just scream profanity towards these two men? Did I apologize to them? Why do they keep calling my name over and over again? Why are they yelling at me? Are they mad at me? I just want them to leave me alone as I am so tired please let me sleep.
Sirens. All I hear is sirens. It’s so loud and it’s disturbing my sleep. A man is standing over me speaking to me but I cannot hear him. I can only see his mouth moving. I cannot make out what he is saying. Why can’t I hear what he is saying? I try to speak to him to let him know I cannot hear him but I can’t find the words. What on earth is wrong with me? Why does my head hurt so much? I need to go back to sleep I am so tired.
Has Someone Called My Family? My Employer?
Woken by bright lights. Why doesn’t everyone just leave me alone? I can hear people everywhere. I am on a table and they are cutting off my clothes. Why on earth are they doing that? Have I been in some sort of an accident? I am so confused and I feel embarrassed. Oh no please don’t cut off my coat its brand new! A woman introduces herself to me and informs me that she is a nurse and that they have to transfer me to another hospital. I don’t understand because I thought I was in a hospital. What about work? Is someone going to call my work to tell them I won’t be in today? What about my family? Has someone called my family? I feel anxious, scared, vulnerable and very alone. All I can do is nod and agree with the stranger.
More bright lights waking me. Why on earth do these people keep insisting on waking me up? Why are they touching me? I hear so many voices and they all want to grab me. I hear a woman’s voice and she is explaining to me that they have to put a tube up my nose to see if there is any internal damage. I start to panic and want to get up and leave. I have literally had enough of this nonsense. There is nothing wrong with me and I just want to get to work.
I hear a woman’s calming voice introducing herself as the Chaplain of the hospital. Wait a second. I know what a chaplain is why is she talking to me? Shouldn’t she be talking to palliative patients? Where is my boyfriend? Did someone get a hold of him? Is he okay? I need to see him. I am so frightened and I have tubes coming out of both arms. What are they injecting into me? Did someone call my work? All I want to do is sleep. I am so tired.
My Hospital Stay Was One Big Blur
I wake up with family members in my room. I apologize to my boyfriend for being hurt and in the hospital. He explains to me that I was in a horrific car crash and asks me if I remember anything. I shake my head “no” as I don’t remember much. He explains to me that he will need to speak with the police and that they will have to make arrangements to get my personal items from my car. Wait what? What do you mean someone has to get my personal items from my car? Where is my car? I just got that car! Where is my phone? Oh no… where is my phone? Where are my clothes? Were they thrown out? Has anyone called my work yet? Do they know I can’t make it into work today? The machines in the room are beeping so loud and all I want to do is sleep as I am so tired.
There isn’t a day that goes by without hearing about a collision in the news. When I hear this news, I find myself thinking about the person(s) involved, their day of impact and I reflect on the unfortunate path they are about to be faced with. I was dumbfounded stepping into this journey trying my best to not only recover but to find the strength to deal with doctors, lawyers and insurance companies.
It’s Not Only About Surviving the Crash – There is So Much More
Most people will say to a survivor “you are truly lucky to be alive”. Yes, we are but it doesn’t stop at luckiness as it can take years to recover. The day of impact changed my life forever and taking your time to recover is the first crucial step. Try your best to focus on “you” and ask your family members for help. You need to heal first before you can attempt to try and do anything.
My hope is that you will continue to follow me throughout my journey. If I can help one survivor feel less alone, it will be worth it! “You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.”
S. Dawne McKay is a survivor of a horrific crash that changed her life forever. Dawne shares her personal journey as a Crash Survivor Blogger and also collaborates with crash survivors as Guest Bloggers allowing them an opportunity to share their stories. Dawne is also the author of the book, “Talk Crash to Me – What to Expect After Surviving a Collision and How to Manage Your Recovery” which is available for purchase on Amazon.
The Crash Support Network is a unique one-of-a-kind website consisting of an online support group, a crash survivor blog, a quarterly newsletter, “Sharing Our Recovery” as well as highly informative articles. Our website is based on relationship-building and puts the needs of survivors first by creating a helpful resource for victims and survivors of motor vehicle crashes.
