When the doctors told me after my accident that it would take a long time to heal, I never imagined that 18 months later I would still be on my recovery journey. But those 18 months, however frustrating and tough, haven’t been wasted time. They helped me discover a purpose and find a silver lining to the dark cloud.  Six weeks before the end of 2020, a van hit me as I was crossing a road on my way home from work, only a few minutes from our house. As I laid on the ground, I couldn’t move but was glad that I could at least open my eyes. Everything seemed very blurry, but I was grateful I was alive, and it wasn’t long before two ambulances arrived. The next day, after a couple of hours of sleep, the pain woke me up. I was in the hospital with a fractured back.

The first time I tried to move my legs I had tears rolling down my face. It wasn’t just the pain but also the relief that I was actually able to move my legs. After 24 hours, I finally got up off the bed and managed my first few baby steps, I felt the pain but also the determination. I wanted my life back so badly.  Since then, 18 months have been gone past, and I still sometimes find myself grieving for my old life. It may be the grief we often feel when we have lost what we have loved. It doesn’t always have to be a loved person. Sometimes it can also be the life that we may never have again. There is still so much I can’t do. I am still on a staged return to work, I am still afraid to drive, I am still in pain almost every day…

Acceptance Doesn’t Come Easy

It’s hard to accept it, but I did find out that beating myself up doesn’t make things any easier. It actually makes them worse. Acceptance doesn’t come easily but being honest with ourselves and our emotions, rather than suppressing them, helps us to move on.  Acceptance doesn’t mean that I will never show my raw emotions or get frustrated with my situation. Life is a rollercoaster with ups and downs, and as humans we just learn how to ride it. For me, it means acknowledging and managing my feelings whilst also seeing the progress I’m making. I haven’t lost my hopes for the future and having something to look forward to is important. It will not always be this bad. Yes, it may have been a tough 18 months, and the progress may have seemed very slow at time, but I will get there one day.

Living in the present moment, allowing myself to enjoy the time that I’m not in unmanageable pain, is helping me accept the stage I’m at now. Immersing ourselves in the present moment and acknowledging our feelings without judging ourselves is the key aspect of mindfulness.  Practising mindfulness is also a way of managing my PTSD symptoms. I was diagnosed with PTSD about two months after my accident. Whilst still in the hospital, I started to get flashbacks and have nightmares. I was terrified of going out of the hospital. Between those four walls, I felt so safe. Yet at the same time I also longed to return home so I was grateful for the support I received from the hospital staff who helped make this possible.

Writing Gave Me a Purpose

And it was also the hospital staff who encouraged me to get professional help when I started to show the symptoms of PTSD a week after my accident. I was in the hospital almost two weeks during the second Covid lockdown. As my head felt so heavy with all the negative thoughts and emotions, I took a pen and paper and emptied my head onto it. Whilst I couldn’t walk, I had two hands which served me well. After a break from writing that had lasted many years, I returned to it. Writing didn’t become just my therapy it was also something that gave me a new purpose. It was my silver lining.

As I researched more about PTSD, I also created the Journeyofsmiley Blog. I am sharing my story to hopefully encourage others on their healing journey. This was also the reason I created the PTSD: My Story Project, a safe place for trauma survivors to share their own experiences. I wanted to give others a chance to share their stories so we can encourage each other both in our recovery and fighting the stigma that unfortunately is still attached to mental illness.  I believe that everyone has a purpose, and sometimes it can be found in our pain. Whilst we may not ever find the answer to why the accident happened to us, accepting and deciding how to live with our pain is essential.

Katy is a wellbeing writer, blogger and mental health advocate who lives in England (UK). She has worked hard to overcome her trauma, and she writes about her experiences to help others in similar situations. For more information please visit:  Journeyofsmiley – Smile Through The Pain, Dance In The Rain

Submitted by Katy Parker

Katy is a member of the Crash Support Network and we are so thankful that she shared his story with us and thank her for everything that she continues to do to help others.

This article is also featured in our 2022 Summer Issue of Sharing our Recovery

The Crash Support Network is a unique website consisting of an online support group, a Crash Survivor Blog written by a survivor, our Sharing Our Recovery Newsletter, informative articles and a Virtual Crash Memorial. Our website is based on relationship-building and puts the needs of survivors first by creating a helpful resource for victims and survivors of motor vehicle crashes.