As I continued to recover from a horrific motor vehicle crash, I was also experiencing feelings of loss. Interrupted by another sleepless night, I find myself staring at the cursor on my computer screen in the middle of the night. I hear the silence and think of everyone that is lucky enough to be getting a restful sleep and I wish it was me. Chronic pain and anxiety have taken that away. I find this particular blog extremely hard to write as I think back to the first Christmas after my crash. You see, my crash happened about 7 weeks before the holidays and the feeling of loss was disturbingly overwhelming.
It is common knowledge that everyone gets busy before and during the holidays. You can feel the hustle and bustle as people anxiously start to organize and its understandable that people only have a certain amount of time to prepare for the holidays except if you are a survivor of a collision. Unfortunately, we cannot just get dressed, jump into a car and start to make holiday visits to see friends. We have to wait for them to visit and sometimes they don’t come.
I spent a great deal of time with one group of close friends that I had at the time of my crash. We had girl weekends, celebrated birthdays and even travelled together on vacations. I was the “planner” which meant I would try to plan as many outings as I could and I absolutely loved it! Afterall, who doesn’t enjoy some girl time? Although two of my friends contacted me and we spoke briefly on the phone while I was in the hospital, I lost track of them once I was at home recovering and I didn’t even hear from some others.
Feelings of Isolation
Friends were aware that I was in a horrific crash but yet none of them stayed in touch with me. No calls, no visits, no texts, no emails, not even a card. I remember reaching out to one of them via text to wish her a Merry Christmas and she wished me the same. She continued to tell me how much fun she was having at the moment with friends and quickly brushed me off and hoped I was feeling better. I felt more heartbreak and more loss. I was confused as to why on earth they would be acting in such a way. I was anxiously waiting for them to visit or call while I was trying to push through another terrible day of recovery. I needed my friends. Did I mention that they were also nurses and the feelings of loss I was already experiencing?
Was I now seeing our friendships for what they really were? I was recovering and dealing with so many struggles. Was I suppose to be the one to stay in touch? The more people I have spoken to about this “superficial friendship awakening” have all told me the same thing. When something tragic happens like an accident, death or sickness, you truly find out who your real friends are. To this day I had no choice but to move on in my life without them but the heartbreak that I felt at the time is something that I will never truly forget. Who could blame me? I have more self respect for myself, it has made me stronger as a person and I have earned my new nickname “Little Tuffy”. Today I now celebrate new friendships.
More Feelings of Loss
My employer had now received my doctor’s note and was informed that I would be off for 3 months. Three months seemed like an eternity! Just before Christmas I was going through my mail and noticed an envelope from my employer and since it was the holidays, I just assumed it might have been Christmas Greetings. After opening it, I realized that it was an official letter requesting my electronic equipment be returned to the company. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I was officially being asked to return company items that were in my possession and with a deadline.
I felt like I was once again losing control of my life and I wondered if they even considered for a moment to wait until after the holidays to send that letter. I was already experiencing such feelings of loss and didn’t even know how I was going to get through the holidays let alone worry about returning the items they requested.
With holidays brings shopping and I was definitely not up to the task. There was no way I would be able to get into a vehicle, fight crowds at a mall or even shop for groceries. Wrapping gifts, baking and decorating were also not on my “to do” list as I was lucky enough to just make it through the day to see the nurse and physiotherapist. Dinner preparations continue to be a “blur” that first Christmas when I think back but what I do remember is being able to take advantage of some online shopping. Everyone certainly didn’t expect anything from me that first Christmas but I thought I would make the effort and try my best to come up with something.
Financially & Physically Unstable
Since I found myself suddenly financially and physically unstable, I was very limited on what I could do so I decided to make calendars for everyone. I remember feeling so sad and lost that Christmas Day. I will never forget the joy on their faces when they started to go through the pictures in their calendars. For those few minutes it took family members to scan through the calendars with excitement, I felt like my pain had been taken away even it was just for that moment. I am happy to share with you that those calendars have now become a Holiday Tradition.
There is never a good time to be involved in a collision, but if you are at home recovering this holiday season please be easy on yourself. Family and friends will understand that your recovery needs to come first. You need to heal and your first priority should be you! Are you a survivor of a crash at home recovering this holiday season? Don’t feel alone and join our online support group at: Crash Support Network where you will find 1300 + warriors and survivors that support each other every day.
S. Dawne McKay is a survivor of a horrific crash that changed her life forever. Dawne shares her personal journey as a Crash Survivor Blogger and also collaborates with crash survivors as Guest Bloggers allowing them an opportunity to share their stories. Dawne is also the author of the book, “Talk Crash to Me – What to Expect After Surviving a Collision and How to Manage Your Recovery” which is available for purchase on Amazon.
The Crash Support Network is a unique one-of-a-kind website consisting of an online support group, a crash survivor blog, a quarterly newsletter, “Sharing Our Recovery” as well as highly informative articles. Our website is based on relationship-building and puts the needs of survivors first by creating a helpful resource for victims and survivors of motor vehicle crashes.
