As I am attending an outpatient rehabilitation clinic twice a week for my physical injuries, I still find myself experiencing re-occurring nightmares and constant flashbacks. I am aware that they were not getting any better, and if anything they were getting worse. How long will it take for these unsettling feelings to go away? Will these nightmares ever go away? The nightmares I was experiencing consisted of me always losing control of a vehicle and I was waking up sweating with my heart racing. I was reluctant to mention anything to my doctor as I felt very uneasy and I was hoping the nightmares would lessen as time went on but they were not. I eventually shared my concerns with her and she re-assured me that it was quite normal to feel this way after experiencing such a horrific crash and I was immediately referred to a psychologist. A psychologist? Me? Another appointment to add to my never-ending list of medical appointments? Again, where will I find the strength? Who will pay for these treatments?
My Psychologist Specialized in PTSD and I Found My Safe Space
I don’t remember much of that first appointment other than feeling extremely vulnerable, nervous and that I was very reluctant to even attend. I was in extreme pain and had no idea how I was going to sit in one position for a 50 minute appointment. I will have to assume the first appointment was just a “meet and greet” involving paperwork while being asked to share my memory of what happened the day of my crash. Oh yes…. this was just the beginning of a long list of medical professionals that would ask me the same questions over and over about that day. The psychologist seemed very sincere and mentioned that one of his specialties was PTSD better known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and I would soon find out that I had all the symptoms.
I was also aware that I was struggling cognitively due to my head injury and found it extremely hard to share my feelings about these issues but I had found a “safe space” with this complete stranger. A safe space where I could discuss all my fears, pains and struggles. I was not sleeping, I was experiencing flashbacks along with nightmares and I was struggling physically, emotionally, mentally and financially.
I was facing so many issues and this safe space held no judgement at all. Although seeing him was rather difficult at first not only because of the extreme pain I was experiencing but it was also the added stress of getting to another scheduled appointment. I don’t know where I would be today if I did not seek treatment from him. He was a kind and patient man who taught me coping mechanisms that I still use today and will most likely use for the rest of my life. My first psychologist has since retired and when I find myself using his coping mechanisms to get me through a difficult moment, I wonder if he was aware how much of a difference he made to my life as a survivor of a crash.
Part of the Healing Process is Visiting the Crash Site
One recommendation the psychologist suggested was to visit the site where the crash happened when I felt up to it. He went on to tell me that this was an important part of the healing process and even though I did not remember much of that morning, he explained to me that visiting the site often allowed a new understanding of the crash. I delayed going for quite a while as I did not feel up to the task as I wasn’t sure how I would react and it was well over an hour drive to get there.
When I eventually found myself at the exact spot where my crash happened, I didn’t really feel anything but sadness and loss. As I stood there, I found myself trying to understand how the driver did not see me that morning while I was waiting to make a left hand turn. I understood how the crash happened that morning only by what people had told me. As it was a busy street, I did notice that quite a few vehicles were definitely going over the speed limit and I felt very anxious standing there as the cars zoomed by. I also noticed two memorial crosses on the other side of the road close to where my crash happened and although I was grateful that I had survived, I also felt remorse for the families that must be suffering with their loss.
Whether you are in treatment and it is recommended to visit your crash site or you just decide on your own that it is time, please make sure you are up to the task. Do not put yourself at risk and do not rush it. I picked a day with good weather, picked a time that I didn’t think would be busy with traffic and I also took someone with me. It is so important to bring someone with you for support as you don’t know how you will react once you are there. If you find yourself never wanting to visit your crash site or find yourself avoiding the site, that is okay too. It’s all about your comfort level and well being. Remember to be your own advocate and always check with your legal representative about coverage for medical treatment.
S. Dawne McKay is a survivor of a horrific crash that changed her life forever. Dawne shares her personal journey as a Crash Survivor Blogger and also collaborates with crash survivors as Guest Bloggers allowing them an opportunity to share their stories. Dawne is also the author of the book, “Talk Crash to Me – What to Expect After Surviving a Collision and How to Manage Your Recovery” which is available for purchase on Amazon.
